I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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