I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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