She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
