Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
