So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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