you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
