guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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