grandma shit on top of the toilet
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
