You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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