Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
