I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
