And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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