fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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