You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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