I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
