Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
