Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
