im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
