first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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