i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
