I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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