I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
