Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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