I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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