he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
