My liver just broke up with me...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
