you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
