After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
