ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
