ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
