um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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