I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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