At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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