3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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