You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
