theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
