I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
