The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
