Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
