Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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