I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
