Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
