he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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