you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
