Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you didnt know i had herpes?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
