yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
