i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
They have beer where we have blood.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
