The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
