Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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