I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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