he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
