Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
