You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
